Dear Ex Best Friend,
When losing a best friend, it comes with a wave of emotions that are similar to experiencing a death. A platonic break up is almost always a hundred times more painful than a romantic one in my experience. When someone is with you romantically they simply don’t know you the same ways a best friend does. Best friends become blood, they become a surrogate family when you feel you don’t have one. Over time they become the most important person in your life. They’re not disposable. They’re the one rock in the tide that never moves. Or at least it always seems that way before it ends.
Every time I’ve wanted to write this letter it has been in a position of pain and longing.
It’s been a long time and we have not spoken in awhile. I’d look at your social media, I’d look at our old pictures and I’d smile but also grow incredibly sad. And angry. Like a death, I am grieving you- every day. Months can pass, years can pass. I can post as many passive aggressive photos on Facebook or Snapchat or Instagram or Whatever The Fuck about how happy I am and how you should rid yourself of toxic people and how my life is so much better without you, but that doesn’t change the fact that at one point in my life you were my entire god damn world and we were inseparable. And now look at us- strangers.
We are strangers.
We used to text every morning and every night – celebrate each other’s accomplishments, cry to each other when afraid and rant to each other when other people just didn’t understand. But I understood, and so did you. That’s what made our friendship different right?
But then things grew toxic. We started hiding our feelings from each other. We built up resentment and anger and got bitchy and catty and started looking at each other differently. How could you trust me and tell me how you felt when you felt I was judging you? How could I tell you how I felt if I disagreed with you if you would just shut down and block me out of your life or rip my head off about it? I was the heartless bitch that didn’t seem to ever want you to be happy and you were the selfish bitch that only ever thought about yourself. We we’re both awful people to each other time and time again. We were angry, we were heart broken and in the end we were maybe even hateful.
But no matter how hard I try, I still can’t hate you. I can build up as much resentment as possible, I can only talk about the bad parts of our friendship, how angry I was but I can’t ignore the hundreds of photos we’re laughing in. The car rides we’d take. The midnight adventures. Videos with your voice in the background. The clothes I bought with you that I can’t wear anymore. The places I can’t go anymore because they remind me too much of you.
When I say our lives are better with out each other I say it with reluctance. No one wants to admit that something you used to love so much isn’t good for you. I see how happy you are. How well you’ve been doing. How much you’ve been growing as a woman.
But the reality is, I’m not good for you anymore. I stopped making you happy a long long time ago. And you stopped making me happy too.
So I just wanted to tell you this, where ever you are out there – even if you never read this.
I’m not perfect and I never was. I’m so, so sorry I gave you that impression at one point and I’m sorry that I ever expected you to be. Everyone has their faults but at one point you were the love of my life and I still have a bottomless love in my heart for you. No matter how angry and spiteful we were. No matter the awful things we both said and even the awful immature things I’ve done. No matter how sad and angry I might even still be over how things ended.
I just wanted you to know that even if I have to watch you become the beautiful woman you are from afar, I’m so fucking proud of you. I wish you nothing but the absolute best and over all, I miss you. I miss us. But you want to know something? It’s okay to miss us. We were pretty amazing together.
Here’s the proper send off I think we both deserved.
I love you, and I’m sorry.
Your Ex Best Friend