It’s been awhile since I’ve written something about my life on here, hasn’t it?
I’m not sure where I was in my life the last time I wrote, but I assume it wasn’t in a great place. A lot has happened to me since then. I’ve been working my ass off, studying and going to school, loving on my boyfriend every chance I’ve got and evolving as a person. On the other hand, I’ve let go of toxic friendships, of people whom have hurt and taken advantage of me, and ultimately have grown colder as a person. In my experience, everyone who has been kind to me has done so for their own personal gain. Even past lovers who still hold admiration for me, do not care about how happy I am, they just care about getting what they want. Same with friends. They just want to feel closer, and to satisfy a need. I suppose I’ve grown tired of tolerating and satisfying the needs of others. Where’s my hunger? Where is my need?
I can tell you a large part of my hunger and need was dormant for the longest time. I’ve come to sort of an unraveling point in my life where everything is a little raw to the touch. First off, I got back off medication. I know that’s sort of a shameful or taboo subject to talk about, but I thought that I was doing well and started to become careless when it came to taking them. Because of that, I stopped cold turkey (with the OK from my psychiatrist) which enabled a very harsh low to occur. This is normal when you stop taking a medication out of the blue, your body tries to adapt. Regardless weeks later, I never really raised out of the funk. I’m still feeling sort of out of balance and out of sorts a lot from time to time, some days being very angry for no reason, other days being very sad and reclusive. It’s caused me to lose patience with people who should’ve lost my patience long long ago, so in a way it was sort of a blessing. One quote that had stuck with me recently was, “Don’t grow a wishbone where a backbone should be.” I think that’s very explanatory for what I’m currently going through.
Another reason my life has unraveled more was losing some very close friends of mine. They didn’t pass away or anything, I just had to let them go. One I grew extremely attached to and then he started being dishonest and odd with me, and considering I’m very happily in a committed relationship (of 8 months at this point), I couldn’t deal with a male being particularly odd in behavior towards me out of respect for my partner. So we stopped talking.
Another friend of mine is what you would’ve called a “toxic frenemy”. I realized that if things didn’t go her way, then she’d raise hell with me in the past, and I tried to be forgiving once she apologized on two separate occasions. But after being treated like a lapdog for far too long, I decided to stop contacting her completely and blocked her on everything. This part of my life right now is essential for me to get rid of the waste that clogs up the plumbing.
I’ve taken up vaping as a stress reliever, also because it’s fun. No nicotine in the juice of course, I wouldn’t want to achieve an addiction. Regardless, there’s just a lot about my life that’s shifting and it’s helped things move along with ease. I like the imagine all my negative energy as the smoke just pooling out of my lips. Visual therapy.
I got a car and my license finally. I feel like a bird, fleeting. Some days I crave to just pick up and leave and not tell anyone where I went or where I plan to go and throw my phone away, and never speak to anyone I know again. But I know realistically I could never do that without hurting the ones I love. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of it every single day.
I plan on moving in with my boyfriend, January of 2019. I’ll be two hours away from home but it’ll be two hours away that I’ll breathe easier. I hate the city that I live in with a burning firey passion. I feel like things come here to rot and root and I plan on doing neither. I’m itching to get out of Iowa period, but that won’t be happening until I graduate college which won’t be for another 3 years at least. But in the mean time I can travel and go to events to pass the time. This year I’m traveling to Minneapolis right after my birthday, not just for fun but to see where I want to end up moving. Chicago was beautiful, but I think Minneapolis will be more up my alley. And it’s not too far from home so I can come visit my family but far enough to where I can feel like I’ve escaped. Everyone keeps saying I’m gonna stay or come back. Everyone keeps saying I’ll change my mind about having kids. That I’ll get married, settle down and become a typical Iowan. I say, I’d rather die.
Until next time.