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No Control

I’ve noticed that a lot of the problems I’ve been having are completely out of my hands. It’s extremely unpleasant to have to wait and see how things turn out and depend on others to help my situation. The bigger problem is that if I want to be independent, I first need the help of others in order to get me to that point. I hate the burden of asking people for things. It’s shameful to me when it happens so often. This mainly falls onto my mother. I know she doesn’t mind helping me but I can see it stresses her out. Which is why I’m trying my best to speed things along as much as I can in order to handle things on my own.

One of the things I’ve struggled with a lot is my extreme dislike of driving. I hate it so much. It freaks me out and I’m overly cautious but once I relax, I end up almost killing me and my mom. However I don’t have a choice, and I have to get my license that way I can get my own car and I won’t always have to ask for rides from people. The gas alone to college is like a trip to one town over every morning and afternoon, and it’s taxing on those helping me. I’m trying to find a job on the weekends but barely anyone is willing to hire for those times, which is ironic because when I was stuck in the position of finding a job that was not on the weekends, everyone said that wouldn’t do either. I guess I just don’t understand why everything has been so hard on me lately. I’m barely keeping up. I have almost straight A’s but I know that won’t last very long and everything still sucks. They got better for a moment only to be crushed back down into the pavement again.

The most frustrating part about all of this is people telling me to either 1. “Get over it” or “Suck it up” or 2. They shove the “be positive” crap down my throat. It’s not fair always having to be the calm and collected one. It seems like I’m never allowed to be upset or struggle or else I’m being a baby or people judge me. That’s messed up. I can’t always be the happy one and it’s hard when I don’t have control over a good 90% of what’s happening to me right now. I’m just tired of being constantly beat down by the universe. I’ve about reached my point of giving up.

Sorry for the rant. I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I felt this outlet worked best. Thank you for reading if you did.

Willow

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